It’s come to my attention that the original mascot of American Independence is the rattlesnake. If true, I suppose an apology might be in order, especially on this day of celebration and remembrance. Cause I just killed one.
Sorry America. Nothing personal. But it was either him or me, and I was unaware that defending myself against a deadly reptile might trigger a history lecture from my Master. According to him, “the Gadsden Flag personifies America’s commitment to Liberty more than any other flag ever flown in the history of America – including Old Glory.” He also told me the cautionary motto thereon is a “fair-warning to all the enemies of individual liberty, and not to be taken lightly.”
Newsflash. Out in the woods – where shit gets real – rattlesnakes don’t come with bright yellow flags and catchy slogans. They come with fangs and glands packed with poison. And guess what – if you’ve never heard one before – you know what a rattle sounds like? A frickin’ chew toy! Trust me on this – I have a box full of crap that squeaks and rattles and beeps when I bite it. Which if I’m not mistaken, is the whole point!!
And one more thing – don’t tell me about how the snake in the photo was just a “baby.” I’m also a baby, remember? Besides, these little bastards are worse than the big ones. I looked it up. When they bite you, they don’t let go. They hang for as long as it takes to pump every last milligram of toxic venom into your bloodstream. Result? Certain death.
Look – I wasn’t asking for trouble, Ok? I smell stuff that interests me. And if it’s really interesting, I put it my mouth. That’s just the way God made me. And that’s exactly what happened here. The snake rattled and hissed and slithered in my general direction. So I bit him. I wasn’t trying to disparage your national holiday or cast aspersions upon some time-honored, patriotic mascot. I was just taking a walk in the woods, and things went sideways.
My master loves his freedom. Goes on and on about it. Says that “life without liberty is not worth living.” Well, good for him. But down here in The Republic of Freddie, liberty is a bit more limited. Freedom of speech? Gimme a break. If I bark I get shushed. If I whine I get the stink eye. Freedom to assemble? Ha! I sleep in a crate and walk on a leash. I eat what they feed me, I go where they take me, and I have to ask permission to pee. And God forbid I take a dump in the wrong place.
What’s that…? I’m free to sniff all the ass I want…? Gee, thanks! Pardon me while faint with gratitude…
Sorry for the rant, America. This is your day. Get some BBQ. Light a firecracker. Celebrate your friends and your family. But stay frosty out there, and watch your step. Because real liberty, is not a walk in the park.