Greetings, and apologies for the late hour. The cat next door had a meltdown, and required several hours of protracted barking from yours truly. I’m now enjoying a few quiet moments in The Bipeds inner sanctum, reveling in the impractical glow of recessed lighting. It’s from this ethereal puddle of illumination that I wish to thank you for purchasing 7,399 “Freddy and The Biped 2016” T-shirts and Sweatshirts.
I have no idea if 7,399 of individuals each purchased a single item, or if one extraordinarily generous patron saw fit to purchase all 7,399 pieces for him or herself, or something in between. Nor do I care. I just know The Biped is beside himself with gratitude, and his little foundation will have a big fat pile of money to distribute to qualified humans who wish to apply for his “Work Ethic Scholarships,” which frankly, sound like a colossal pain in the neck.
But what do I know? I haven’t worked a day in my life, and I have no intention of starting tonight. I suspect you’ll hear directly from His Majesty later this weekend, when he returns to find my hair and other leavings on his pillow.