Fridays With Freddy: Metaphorical Embodiment of Me

Dear Freddy,
It’s Friday, and I’m wondering if you’re feeling exploited? The Biped has clearly used you to grow his Facebook page. Somewhat shamelessly, I might add. Consequently, your image is all over the Internet, and you’re about to appear on the cover of a national publication. Now, you’ve been cast in steel, welded together, and made available for auction. Where does a canine in your position draw the line?
Carole Kliman

Hi Carole,

Earlier today, I took a dump in the middle of a crosswalk. It was a busy intersection, packed with bipeds hustling hither and yon. I know this was not an ideal location for dumping. I know my Human Butler would rather not scramble to catch my poop in mid-air as people laugh and point and blow their horns. But none of those things matter to me. I felt like pooping at that exactfwf - Heavy Metal Freddy tag

Point is, you can’t feel embarrassed if you don’t care what people think. Nor can you feel exploited. Like The Good Book says, “A beautiful woman without discretion or modesty is like a fine gold ring found in the snout of a pig.” I’m the gold ring, Carole, and if The Biped wants to pimp me out for this or that, what do I care? As long as he feeds me and scratches my ears and keeps those horny reprobates at the Dog Park from humping my head, I don’t care what he does with my name ofwf - CRAP CAT Freddyr likeness. I mean seriously, what am I gonna do – get an agent? A manager? A publicist? Then what? Stock up a bunch of money I can’t spend?

Forget exploitation and ego though – I’m more curious about your overall collective impressions of this robotic reproduction. Does it truly capture my essence? Would you know it was me, if my name weren’t dangling from my neck? Or is this more of a “symbolic representation” of Canis terrier in general? Or for that matter, a metaphorical embodiment of all dogs?

I’m not schooled in the ways of artistic interpretation, but it seems to me that the basic construction of this thing is in some way complimentary to the cause for which it’s being auctioned. Likewise, the irony of using “Cat Parts,” (whatever that means,) to assemble a dog could not have been Mike Rowe - Heavy Metal Freddy - CAT C.R.A.P.unintentional.

Whatever. I’m indifferent. However, if I did possess any semblance of an ego, I suppose I might be quietly hoping the C.R.A.P. that bears my name might somehow fetch a respectable sum for the Foundation that bears my Biped’s name. In which case, I would ask you with all sincerity to dig deep and bid here.

But of course, I would never do that.
Cause I’m indifferent…


Mike’s Facebook Page

Leave a Reply