Dear Apple…

Fridays with Freddy

I’d like to take a moment to publicly apologize for crapping all over your Genius Bar. I meant no disrespect, and aside from the obvious embarrassment I caused myself and my biped, I feel terrible about the collateral damage to your floor, your stool, and the surface of the Genius Bar itself.

I will say, that while my underdeveloped colon is no one’s responsibility but my own, there are certain consequences that accompany protracted waits in public places. A few more “geniuses” behind the Genius Bar would have been ingenious, and rendered my incontinence irrelevant. Obviously, I’m not an expert in the areas of staffing or management, but it seems to me that a company capable of putting the entire scope of human knowledge and understanding into a magical device that fits into my biped’s pocket might be able to devise a system whereby customers and their invited guests are not left to humiliate themselves in front of a crowd of aging hipsters.


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