Fridays with Freddie: Cheeseburger please!

Herb-encrusted Medallions of Caramelized Ostrich?

Namibian Artichoke Poached in Clarified Rain-Water?


I’m still trying to get my head around “sit,” “stay,” and “go potty.” Now I’m staring at these tiny italics on a papyrus menu, trying to decipher the clues to some culinary crossword.

“Shackled Talapia over a Mango Couscous?” What am I supposed to do with that? Eat it, or set it free it?

Used to be a fella could duck into the local diner, grab a burger and get on with his life. Not anymore. These days, everything is “sumptuous,” “organic,” and “locally foraged.”

What does that even mean? Did the cook rummage through a dumpster to find the mushrooms? Why is the Free Ranged Osso-Buco “toothsome?” Does it still have it’s teeth? I see that the micro-greens have all been “hand-selected.” That’s nice. But how else does one select micro-greens? With ones feet? And what the hell are micro-greens anyway?

“Oh…hello waiter….yes, as a matter I fact, I do have some questions, but I’d like some water first…..stilled, please…..the sparkling stuff makes me sneeze…, I don’t care if it ran off a glacier……no, I don’t care if it came from Cesar’s personal aquifer…….Look, I just want some hydrogen and oxygen, OK…? Smash the molecules together and bring me the resulting moisture in a container of your choosing….do you think can you manage that…?”

I know, it’s not his fault, but this place is freaking me out. The guy next to me has spit all over his “deconstructed oysters Rockefeller.” He says it’s foam, but I know what spit looks like, and I’m telling you, his whole plate is covered with it. Gross. And seriously, who orders anything “deconstructed?” Doesn’t that mean it fell apart before it got to the table? Why not just chew it for me and feed me like a momma bird? And enough lready with “essence?” I don’t want the “essence” of beef jerky, damnit, I want some fricking beef jerky! Is that so hard?

“Oh, hello waiter….that was fast……Yes, I realize I’m licking my bottom, so what?…..Oh really…?……you have an actual policy against bottom-licking”……do you have it writing……? Yes, as a matter of fact – I would like to see the manager……send him over…..and tell him to bring a frickin cheesburger!!!”

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