“Mother Has Pushed the Beds Together!!!”

That’s a direct quote from a friend of mine, shared with me yesterday. She was telling me about her 85-year-old mother’s love affair with a man a few years her senior. Last night, in passing, I relayed the story to my own mother, who was already in bed. This morning, I received this at 5: am…

Michael, Michael,

Please don’t call me at 11:00 pm any more with tales about your friends. They stimulate my mind, and keep me awake. And at that hour, I can’t be sure that I’m remembering the details correctly. Tell me if I’m right.

Your friend’s widowed mother is an octogenarian, who has become smitten with a widow-man her age. And your friend is worried because they have moved in together. Am I right?

For Pete’s sake, what is your friend afraid of? A sexually-transmitted-disease? Or is she super-religious and concerned that her mom is living in sin? You can put her mind at ease, Mike. Very little sinning goes on in the over eighty set.

And now, apparently, your friend’s mom confided in her daughter that she has pushed their beds together. OMG, the hussy!!

Well take it from me, Mike, if she’s strong enough to push those beds together, she can withstand a little snuggling. The worst thing that can happen is that one of them will fall through the crack in the middle of the night and get wedged. Trust me – first responders take a dim view of frivolous calls!

Okay, here’s the thing about octogenarians in bed together: And you can pass this along to your friend. It’s all about being on the “right” side of the bed. So many things to consider! Does he have a good ear? One that’s better than the other? If so, she should be on that side so that they can talk. That’s important for old people.

Unless, of course, his good ear is on his left and he has a pacemaker. I speak from experience, Mike. A heavy head resting against a chest with a pacemaker is painful for both parties. Here’s another consideration: is one of them more prone to undeniable urges in the middle of the night? If so, then that person should definitely be on the side closest to the bathroom. Unless, of course, they’re sleeping on a memory-foam mattress. Believe me, by the time they climb out of their indentation—well, let’s just say, they should have some fresh sheets nearby.

Anyway, tell your friend not to worry. If they get their teeth mixed up on the bathroom counter overnight; that mystery will be solved at breakfast. If they get their glasses mixed up and wander around in a blur, they’ll realize their mistake before one of them gets behind the wheel. Probably.

Keep me posted, Mike. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. And now I must return to bed. Church in 4 hours!


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