Fridays With Freddy: I Leave My Mark

The woods are lovely, deep and dark
But full of things that make me bark.
So on the ground I leave my mark.
So on the ground I leave my mark.


It’s a tricky business, pee management. It requires discipline, patience, and concentration. It also requires a full bladder, which is precisely what I left with earlier today.

The Biped’s route is exactly three miles, and contains fourteen spots that require my essence. This is not a random number, and these are not random destinations. Each has been carefully chosen for it’s design, it’s color, it’s odor, (obviously,) and it’s location along the route.

My bladder can hold half a pint, which I dispense onto the aforementioned targets in fourteen equal squirts. Managing those squirts is the job at hand, and directing them onto their targets with accuracy and precision is my only purpose on these morning marches. The goal is to return home with just enough remaining to direct the penultimate pee onto the neighbors ficus, and the final blast onto the rock wall, where the feral cat likes to stand and howl at the moon.

Well, a few hours ago, all my careful planning went out the window. Just prior to my first spurt, with a bladder filled just beyond comfortable capacity, we rounded the corner and came face to face with a creature from the wood.

I don’t know what the hell this thing is, and honestly, I don’t want to know. It rose up and out of the leaves like a demon, and stared right through me with eyes as a black and pitiless as two holes in deep space. I froze in panic and wonder, as half a pint of hot urine flew from my body and crashed noisily into the autumn leaves beneath my trembling feet. Through it all, the demon dog stood like a statue, casting aspersions, as the Biped chuckled and took a photo.

The next three miles were profoundly dissatisfying. I stopped at all fourteen spots and dangled my useless wand over each, hoping in vain for a drop or two. But no – the satyr-thing had emptied me out entirely. The shame of it is still on me, but I’ve been drinking steadily since my return, and looking forward to a shot at redemption.


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