Off The Wall
Judy Muche writes:
I dabble in Quilts. I am not in a position to donate money or buy any of your C.R.A.P., but I could make a Rag Quilt out of your jeans, I even can include stains….Bet it would net you a few grand for Mike Rowe Works. Let me know what you think! It would be my honor.
Dear Judy –
Your desire to get into my pants is moving, and I’m sincerely touched. Many years ago my mother constructed a similar quilt, and the result was somewhere between a Kevlar vest and one of those X-Ray blankets at the dentists. But it was warm, and I loved it.
Anyway, the jeans are on their way, and I apologize for the delay. I know I said I’d send them back in January, but to be honest, I was having second thoughts. You see, these jeans were among my most treasured garments. I say “were,” because most are a 32 or 33 inch waist, and I’ve been waiting for the day when I can once again jam my fat ass into them. Waiting in vain, it seems.
For years, these very jeans have occupied some prime real-estate on the top shelf of my closet, where I hoped they might motivate me to revisit that long-forgotten time when I burned more calories than I consumed. Alas, they have not inspired me at all. To the contrary – I’ve come to realize they’ve been mocking me. Day after day they whisper among themselves, judging me, casting aspersions, looking down from their lofty perch in smug and supercilious appraisal. Well, screw them. I’ll not be taunted by my own pants. I’ll just buy more 34s and call it good. (Or maybe a 35, if that’s what it takes. But not a 36. Never a 36.)
Anyway, please accept this pile of recalcitrant denim with my compliments and sincere thanks. I put them in the mail yesterday, and you should have them in at The Quilt Cabinet a week from today. Perhaps when they’re drawn and quartered, reassembled into something useful, and sold at auction to the highest bidder for a worthy cause, they’ll see the error of their ways.
PS. I sent more than the requested six pair – do with them what you will. And don’t be gentle!