Conversations On The Way Back From The Crapper

Me: Excuse me, I can’t help but notice an usual level of sartorial coordination with regard to your bold attempts to combine fashion with covid compliance.

Him: I beg your pardon?

Me: Your shirt matches your mask.

Him: Why, yes it does. Thank you for noticing.

Me: You’re welcome. I’m curious, did they come as a pair, or did you just happen to find a mask that matches your shirt? Or a shirt that matches your mask?

Him: Neither. I just cut a chunk of material from the bottom of my shirt and sewed it into a mask.

Me: Really?

Him: Yeah. I got bored. And then I got sick of walking around looking a surgeon.

Me: I hear that.

You: As a matter of fact all of my shirts now have a matching mask.

Me: You’re kidding!

Him: No. I don’t joke about fashion.

Me: I can see that. Have you considered filing for a patent and selling whatever pattern you use to create these masks along with some simple instructions on how to make a mask out of the bottom of a shirt?

Him: Your voice sounds familiar. Do you narrate How the Universe Works?

Me: As a matter of fact, I do.

Him: You’re kidding!

Me: No, I don’t joke about narration.

Him: I love that show! Hey, tell me something – if I start selling a simple instruction guide on the Internet about how to make a mask out of the bottom of a shirt, will you narrate the commercial?


Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen we’re about to fly into a bit of turbulence. I’m going to need everyone to take their seats.

Me: Let me get back to you on that.

Him: Shall I hold my breath?

Me: Probably not…

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